I’m writing this with love. I love the existence of the internet; specifically, the people who bring the internet to life. I love the creativity, the humor, the passion, the sheer volume of information, the conversations, the connections.
I also love that we have the potential to do better when we participate on the internet. Every discussion has just as much chance of being amazing as it does of being terrible–each of us has an impact on the direction of those discussions based on what we say (or don’t say).
I’ve thought about this topic quite a bit over the last few months. I’ve observed my participation on the internet just as much as I’ve observed others. While I’m bewildered by many things people choose to say (including myself, in hindsight), I’m also inspired by people who seem to make every online conversation better.
Today I’ve compiled my observations into the following list (along with a few tips shared by others). Some of them use the context of gaming, but they can easily apply to other communities too. These are reminders to myself, and perhaps there are a few that you might identify with so we can make the internet better together.
- Questions are magical. I’ve seen so many conversations start off on the wrong foot by assuming or speculating (especially about someone else’s motivations or integrity). If I ask a question instead of assuming I already know the answer, I’m opening myself and others to having a conversation with a factual foundation. Also, importantly, if I ask a question on one forum, I don’t post the same question on another forum at the same time–it creates redundancy in the answers and results in divergent threads.
- If I’m going to criticize something or someone, I can provide the most value if I’m specific, if I share an example, and if I provide context. Vague statements declaring that something or someone is bad are misleading, irresponsible, and even dangerous. Also, sometimes the best way to illustrate a shortcoming is instead to highlight an achievement–a specific example of someone or something else who has done it similarly, but better.
- Vulnerability and remorse are superpowers. If I say something I regret, if I make a mistake, or if someone has a better idea, I can change the shape of the conversation by apologizing and admitting that I was wrong. I can also open the door for others to show vulnerability by not pouncing on such admissions (“Too late–you should have known better in the first place!”).
- Every person has different opinions. If someone likes a game I didn’t like or they don’t seem to care for a game I love, they aren’t wrong. They’re just a different person.
- I don’t always have to respond. Rather, I don’t always have to post my response–I can write it, read it, and then delete it without ever posting it.
- If I’m not interested in a new product, I don’t need to broadcast that I’m not interested in it. Can you imagine how much time it would take for me to write “hard pass” in the comments of every conversation about every game, book, movie, and show I’m not interested in? Plus, I love excitement–if someone has decided that they’re excited enough about something to share it with the internet, there’s no reason for me to counter with my lack of excitement.
- With hyperbole comes great power. I shouldn’t use the same language (“I’m deeply disappointed by X”) to describe a minor flaw in a game as I do for a major mistake.
- Be aware of accidental gatekeeping. If I use an acronym or the name of a mechanism without defining it, even if I’m not trying to exclude anyone, I am. If someone asks a rules question or inquires about information on a subject they’re curious about, if I dismiss them with “read the rulebook” or “do the work yourself” even if I’m not trying to exclude them, I am. If someone proudly posts a photo of a new-to-them game and my first response is “don’t play that, play this”, even if I’m not trying to exclude them, I am. I want to challenge myself every day to better welcome people into the communities I love.
- The point of conversation isn’t to win. When we’re all trying to be the smartest person in the room, we all end up looking dumb. If I find myself feeling defensive, it’s probably because there’s some truth to what the other person is saying.
- Sometimes I just have to step away from the computer. To increase the chances that I actually do this, I can choose to engage on social media platforms where urgency isn’t the greatest currency.
Bonus Considerations
- When asking questions, just use ?, not ???.
- If I’m excited to receive a shipping notification for a new game and I want to share, rather than starting a new thread (“I got my shipping notification!”), I can comment on an existing thread about the same topic.
- Why do we say, “It doesn’t disappoint” when we find that we like something? It’s an oddly negative framing for something we actually enjoy.
- Try “shelf of opportunity” instead of “shelf of shame” when describing your shelf of unplayed games.
- For any question that could help others, ask it publicly instead of privately (and if it’s a rules question about a specific gameplay element, post a photo of it or the exact text on it to help facilitate the answer).
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Personally, I’m working on 1, 3, 5, 8, 9, and 10. Which of these are areas of improvement for you so we can make the internet better together?
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44 Comments on “An Open Letter to the Internet”
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Had missed this post, but saw the link in your recent newsletter.
Very thoughtful and insightful points, I really appreciate you writing this.
I’ve always have had a hard time understanding/accepting the negativity and vitriol that can sometimes be present in online media. It’s just beyond me why anyone would want to be nasty to other people, regardless if you’re anonymous or not. But I might be naive in that regard…
In any case, I’m leaning heavily on points 1-4, 8 and 9.
Point 6 is also baffling to me why anyone feels the need to diss like that. If you have criticism, be constructive about it, otherwise just step away and don’t destroy other people’s enthusiasm.
Thank you Jamey for continuing to be a positive force in this.
Asking people to be reasonable when given a voice and anonymity is like giving a 7 year old a big, sword-shaped stick and putting him near a rotting old log, telling him to stand still, and then leaving for an hour…
In other words, what is about to happen depends greatly on the individual, but you’ll need a master of self-control not to have some sort of mess.
Our choices impact the shape of every conversation on the internet. The parallel to what I’m talking about here is that the 7-year-old may have a stick and a rotting old log, but instead of telling him to stand still and leaving for an hour, I sit down on the log and listen to them.
This was a well written and informative piece. I will do my best to be practical with and pass on the points you’ve made here. Thank you!
I’d love to see this list as a mandatory topic to be covered in schools. Or better yet, in the same way that you have to pass a driving test in order to get a driver’s license, you should have to pass an internet test in order to get an internet license (which could be revoked if you are too reckless!)
Spot on! Couldn’t agree more!
The 10 Commandments 👍
Thanks for your insight Jamey, it was a good read. I enjoy when people make an effort to be more positive when there’s so much negativity that seems to surround us. There’s good advice here that can apply to more than gaming and with in person interaction as well as posting to the internet. If I could add anything, it would be to treat people the way you want to be treated.
Best wishes!
Jerry
Thanks Jerry! The golden rule is well applied here. :)
I love the list. The only one I’d caution against is #8, and only in specific scenarios. When using terms like “drafting” or “engine-building” to describe mechanics in a game, I think that helps elevate and streamline the discussion. It helps our community evolve. If someone doesn’t know the term, by all means teach or explain if they’re willing to learn. But it would be a devolution to stop using the terms, or to explain the term every time it’s used. This is in very specific instances though (like reviews). Rulebooks can use the term but should include a description of what they mean.
I completely agree. Sorry if I misspoke–I’m not saying to not use acronyms or terminology; rather, I’m saying that if you use them, define them.
Jamey, I’m afraid your approach is all wrong — none of those 10 points will help you in making nice with the orange tabby you are pictured with. You will need to engage in much more worshipping, giving of treats and regular cat massage, at the very least, to make progress there. :)
But the list will be useful for the humanoid species, which is slightly less difficult to please, so good work on that front.
You make excellent points, and Walter agrees with all of them. :)
I have been using “Pile of Potential” for years now when it comes to miniatures. Funny enough since then my pile of potential never exceeded 10 miniatures.
I like that! :)
I really like this phrasing, I’m gonna add it to my vocabulary. As for me, I’ve been using the slightly tongue-in-cheek combo term “shelf of shameportunity” as my buddy and I try to work our way through ours.
It helps me respond more empathetically to negativity online when I realize that negativity is used as a protection mechanism. Positive emotions, like excitement, joy, and love, often feel more vulnerable than negative ones. We don’t want to be publicly disappointed. So, it’s easier to start with low expectations – with skepticism – and then say “look! see? I was right!”. Hence the phrase “skeptics looks smart, but optimists move mountains”.
When I learned this concept, I made a decision that has made my life so much happier. I decided to lean into positive emotions. When I get excited about a move (Dune: Part 2 anyone?? :D), a game, or a book, I REALLY get excited. I release the inner nerd. I weird people out a bit. And that’s okay. If I get disappointed, I’ll have my friends there to help.
Anywho. This only addresses a small part of what you were talking about, but I wanted to share since it’s been such a huge value-add for me.
I think that’s brilliant, Drew, both in terms of how I interact with negativity and for how I can be more self-aware of my own insecurities when I post a negative-leaning comment.
This is a really great list full of great reminders. I’m always impressed by your ability to navigate hostile threads on BGG with a lot of grace, it feels like a superpower that clearly you’ve spent a lot of time on.
You asked: “Why do we say, “It doesn’t disappoint” when we find that we like something? It’s an oddly negative framing for something we actually enjoy.”
This is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately in a number of contexts (mainly movies), and at the risk of over-simplifying, it does seem like people come into new experiences with one of two basic mindsets (both of which are valid):
1. I expect to enjoy this, and so the game/movie/book/etc needs to give me reasons NOT to enjoy it.
OR
2. I expect NOT to enjoy this, and so the game/movie/book/etc needs to convince me to enjoy it.
The sparking moment for me on this was that I have some family members who I go to see movies with on occasion, and last summer I went to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3. We walked out and my first response was “That was a lot of fun, I had a good time.” But my one family member’s response was “I can’t believe it was all about Rocket’s backstory, that’s not what I wanted. So I didn’t like it.” I realized (based on that and on other similar types of interactions with him) that he was coming in to the movie with the posture of “convince me that this is worth my time, I’m not expecting it to be.”
Looking at people’s responses to movies or games through that mindset, I’ve seen this play out a lot. Some people expect to be disappointed and need to be convinced that they shouldn’t be, while other people expect (or at least hope) that something will be good, and so they approach their experience through the lens of what they enjoyed (and gives them a way to also talk about the things that disappointed them). But also, the people who expected to be disappointed and had their expectations blown away tend to be the most passionate defenders of the the things that they do love.
I’m one of the types of people expecting (or at least desiring) to enjoy things, and I gather that you are too. I find that I generally enjoy experiencing new things with that type of person, not with someone who immediately critiques that thing, but I do find a lot of value in the opposite approach as well in discussing that new thing after the fact (with a little bit of distance).
Ultimately, I’ve found this (overly simplistic) categorization to be helpful for me in understanding why someone might come in negatively to something that I enjoy, and hopefully give them more grace than I would have before. (But also, I don’t go see movies with that family member anymore.)
I think this is a really cool way to look at it and I can really relate to it! I am usually in “I want to like this unless proven wrong” camp and I don’t like being on the other side, when I am it is often social pressure or insecurity that swings me over that direction and usually coming from environments where everything turns into a competition and I feel like I have to choose a side by liking or disliking something. This helps me better understand how I feel in both situations.
Thanks for sharing!
I think that’s incredibly perceptive, and I like that you try to people more grace if they’re approaching some form of media from a different perspective than you.
I love this article, Jamey! Thanks for taking the time to write it (and all your other content). I particularly think #5 is powerful (I can write it, read it, and then delete it without ever posting it). I’ve done that many times, and it gives me the opportunity to process my feelings/response, and then consider more carefully what I actually want to communicate publicly (if anything). I also particularly like #8 (If I use an acronym or the name of a mechanism without defining it), since it’s easy to forget what people know and don’t know. Thanks again!
Thanks Ira! I think that’s a really smart method that I need to implement more often. :)
Such a great article.
An article on CNN 5Things introduced me to Wingspan. Wingspan introduced me to Stonemaier Games and to Jamey. Your channel was the first Board game channel I watched regularly. We are all works in progress, but you always “practice what you preach”. You have taught me so much. IMHO☺️ you are one of the best publishers in the business.
Thanks Robin! I didn’t even know we were on a CNN article. :) I’m honored that you decided to delve deeper into Stonemaier after playing Wingspan!
#8 is problematic for me. I simply can’t explain every acronym or reference every time I use them and neither would I expect other people to do that. We damage the level of conversation when we expect people to talk down to our level rather than to expect ourselves to rise up to theirs. I don’t mean that as a superlative. I mean that if you want to show passion for a new topic that you don’t know as much about as someone who has been involved with it for awhile, to accuse them of gatekeeping for talking about the things we claim to want to know more about is shortsighted. Hang out for awhile. Take the temperature of the room. Listen to what people are saying and you will understand all of the terms and acronyms. You don’t get to choose a new group and understand all of the backstory on day 1.
On the other hand, maybe that’s just me. You aren’t the first one I have heard make that comment so maybe I’m off base.
I appreciate you sharing that perspective, Marc. While I don’t agree that avoiding acronyms equates to talking down to people, I agree that context, listening, and being aware of others are all very important.
I just never use acronyms; I dislike when others use them, so I’ve made it a point to never use them myself. It hardly takes more time to just type out the words.
This is really thought provoking and I am here for this. It would make the internet a much happier place if the general points were used in the general domain. I like shelf of opportunity and the use of positives rather than negative based language.
Thanks, Naomi!
I have only been gaming for 2.5 years, but at the risk of patting my own back I have always used the term “shelf of opportunity”.
Brilliant! I like that, Robin.
I love this article.
The two you mentioned that made me think were,
“It didn’t disappoint” – Great point. Why not just say “I loved it!”. Maybe for some people it’s hard to overtly give praise?
I also love “shelf of opportunity”.
Thanks Dale! I can see what you’re saying about “It didn’t disappoint.”
I’m reminded of the Ted Lasso-ism “Be curious, not judgmental.” That basic idea has frequently been on my mind in the past couple years since watching the show, and it seems to fit well with some of your points.
Am I always free of judgment towards others? Of course not—but I’m also very curious, and I try to let my curiosity win by asking questions and learning instead of making assumptions, rushing to judge something or someone, or worse, sharing that judgment. I naturally tend to wonder about many things, and channeling that wonder towards people or things I may not understand is helpful.
I love that quote! I really appreciate that spirit of curiosity.
Good one. We’re definitely far too often aggressive/attacking and self-oriented (or simply not mindful) in our comments. But it’s also a reason why people appreciate a lot that you still engage in many discussions. This is priceless when a game author replies to questions, even those that can be found on the rulebook or were answered numerous times before.
I appreciate you saying that, and I agree: I find some of the best conversations happen when my focus is on others, not myself.
I can appreciate this whole list. I’m grateful you’re such a good human being and looking to bring others up with you.
This post did not disappoint! … I mean… was GREAT!
(Had to. Just had to.)
Thanks, John. :)
#5. I practice this and I try to do it more and more.
Some people no matter your reply, they will not be pleased and often continue to move the goalpost so they are “right”. Some things are just best left without a reply. The thread usually dies on its own instead of new life injected into it.
Being the person, organization, or event attacked, it is a hard thing to do…
Thanks for sharing what you’re working on, Mark. I’m definitely guilty of trying to move the goalpost (or getting caught up when someone else is trying to move it).
Love this post.
I personally have learnt a lot about love, compassion and general niceness from your post’s, blogs, your behavior online. It has changed me for the better and just like any human, I am a work in progress.
I do strongly believe that since not all have the ability to construct a positive feedback or thought in a positive “written” way online, their intentions are wrongly conveyed and/or understood online since the anything online lacks the feel (through voice & expresssions) part of the human interaction that you would typically get when talking face to face.
For this reason, whenever I feel hurt or insulted online, I choose to give it a pass and think positively that maybe they didn’t mean it that way, the way it sounded to me while reading online.
Your last paragraph in this article helps a lot in showing the right way to respond for the people for whom the nice response doesn’t come naturally.
Thank you.
Thank you! I appreciate the self-awareness it takes to say that you’re a work in process (I am too).