Over the last few months, I’ve seen a few people–some friends, some strangers–be the target of swarms of people on the internet. As someone who has experienced this myself, today I’ll share a few thoughts that might be helpful if you or someone you know goes through the same ordeal.
Before I jump in, I want to be abundantly clear in saying that I’m not passing judgment on people on the internet with opinions. I’m literally on the internet sharing my opinions right now. Groups of people can be a powerful force for positive change.
Rather, the focus of this article is on you, the recipient/target of the opinions. When you’re in that position–in the middle of the fray–it can be soul-crushing, especially if at least some of the things being said are untrue. Here are my survival tips for this situation:
- Find a filter: Your instinct may be to fix the situation by replying to every comment right away, but this is the time to step back, compose your thoughts, and run them by someone you trust before saying anything else. Most of the dumbest things I’ve ever said on the internet are reactionary, and they all could have been prevented if I had filtered them through a friend first. Also, you are not obligated to reply to any comment, question, or message, even if someone “demands” it.
- Share the truth: On your platform of choice, share the truth in a way that focuses on the facts. This is not a rebuttal, a defense, or an attack against the people who have shared their opinions. Just take responsibility for the truth in a completely transparent way (i.e., your goal is to convey the facts even if they hurt you; the goal isn’t to look good).
- Establish a comments policy: You can’t control what people say, but you are responsible for the environment you foster for your community. Implement a comments policy that allows for constructive criticism, and if someone chooses to violate the policy, delete the comment (and if they ask why, you tell them it violated the policy). Otherwise, though, in setting the policy, you need to respect and retain comments that meet your terms, even if they hurt.
- Update: I wanted to add that I think it’s important to adhere to the comments policy even for those who comment in support of you. Also, in those regards, when you’re in a situation like this, don’t be surprised if there aren’t many people who comment in support of you at all. They may support you from afar and still not want to jump into the fray. It’s not your place to “rally support”–if people want to speak up, they will.
- Learn from the criticism: There’s always something to learn when people share their opinions in this way. Even if some of what they are saying isn’t true, you can still learn from why they’re saying it or the circumstances that inspired them to speak up. If you’re compelled to publicly share what you’ve learned, that can sometimes be helpful too.
- This too shall pass: When you’re in the midst of these situations, it can feel like they will never end and that this is your life now. But it will pass. The consequences may remain–that’s important, especially if you messed up–but the tidal wave will become a tidal pool. Most people who are aware of you, your business, and your product will never even know about what happened, so in the end it is you who must hold yourself accountable for your actions.
If you’ve gone through an ordeal like this or you’re going through one right now, I can relate to your experience, and I hope these tips are helpful for you. Is there anything you would like to add?
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Also read:
- Kickstarter Lesson #58: How to Manage Toxic Backers
- Kickstarter Lesson #226: When a Backer Threatens You
- Kickstarter Lesson #235: Surviving an Attack on Your Character
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12 Comments on “This Too Shall Pass”
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[…] This Too Shall Pass […]
Thank you so much for posting this, Jamey; and as someone who has gone through this, it truly resonated with me. We seem to live in a time where, for better or for worse, social media seems to be where people air their grievances…and unfortunately, where people are also expected to defend themselves publicly, regardless of whether there is any truth to an accusation. This can be challenging if you’re the type of person who’s used to resolving issues privately (and directly with the parties involved), and even infuriating, when the accusation are not true. The two points that really helped me were Share the Truth (as soon as I did, the negative comments stopped almost instantly) and This Too Shall Pass, which is very hard to see when you’re caught up in a flood of negativity. I’m very grateful that you took the time to post this…hopefully it will help others as much as it helped me:-)
I’m sorry you went through this, Mitchell. I can relate to what you’ve shared here.
There’s an issue of scale here – if 1% of people dislike you, then in an audience of a hundred, you have maybe one voice trying to heckle you; in an audience of ten thousand, you have a hundred people shouting at you, and if they all chime in, they can drown out any attempt at productive dialogue.
A couple of questions I try to remember to ask myself before chiming in on a contentious topic online:
– Do I have something new to add to the conversation, or has everything I want to say already been heard?
– Do people want to hear from me specifically on this issue? (almost always “no” for me, unless I actually have something new to add)
– Is what I want to say going to make matters better or worse?
There are a lot of comments that I’ve abandoned unposted over the years as a result of self-filtering.
Great post, and great topic that doesn’t get enough discussion. A fantastic book on this exact thing (including the focus on the individual on the receiving end) is So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed by Jon Ronson: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22571552-so-you-ve-been-publicly-shamed. As will all of Ronson’s books there’s a fair amount of dry quirky humor, but there’s also some real insights into what it’s like to be on the receiving end of an Internet-scale public shaming. It should be required reading for anyone online – at any moment, any one of us could end up on either side of one of these tsunamis.
Thank you for the recommendation, Dave!
This is a tough topic. I have a very strong negative bias toward myself so I rely heavily on other people’s feedback to judge myself and know whether I’m doing okay. I am also strongly influenced by other people’s emotions, especially anger so I internalize and mimic other people’s perspectives. Criticism has always been important to me and if someone is mad at me I always owe them some kind of apology even if what they said is untrue.
This worked fine for me in college. I had a few nervous breakdowns and had enough heartache in my major classes to convince me not to pursue it as a career… but this process helped me grow. In the last few years though it has resulted in me internalizing all the despair and cynicism around me. Where before I would want to car about and see the best in people and understand all perspectives I see now that this perpetuates injustice… I shouldn’t be giving the benefit of the doubt to bad people. I just try to do, say, and think what people want me to so that I don’t hurt anyone, but my hate for myself and my people’s legacy means I’m better off avoiding some topics if I don’t want to become emotional and unconstructive.
I’ve read comments on Reddit and BGG that pushed me to self-harm. They weren’t personal attacks but they made me feel like I had to be punished for the sentiment they conveyed. Some of them weren’t even directed at me but I still felt like their criticism applied to me. This was what pushed me to seek help and while the help didn’t really address anything at least I learned to have boundaries.
My apologies for getting personal but like I said this is a serious topic. I do appreciate SM Games feeling positive and safe. I can’t say I feel safe being myself because I no longer know myself but at least I am safe being here in some capacity.
I really appreciate you sharing this, Jev–your vulnerability is welcome here. I’m glad you touched upon the topic of boundaries, as I’ve also found that incredibly helpful for my personal mental health.
Thanks for the article.
I will try to make a few comments on 3. and 4. Western culture somehow ended up in some weird state where we’re supersensitive to anything and anyone who doesn’t share our belief and doesn’t respect our values. The thing is, those values are constantly changing, often in a crazy and unpredictable ways. The new doctrine (maybe even religion) of self victimization has some side effects in a way we communicate. We have increasingly become fragile. We have almost no conservatives in our hobby (some of them are quiet because of fear of being ostracized) and many have lost touch with the real world and have some real mental health issues.
I always like to draw parallel of online communication with the real one. Example would be my kids fighting. I came home today and found them fighting and swearing (they’re 13 and 7). If I was a BGG mod (or any other for that matter), I would punish them (I would take their cellphones or candies or something else), tell them to go to their rooms and never talk about what they said because it’s vulgar. Instead, I’ve let them fight and swear, left them to vent out and after that CALMLY told them that what they’re doing doesn’t make any sense because they achieve nothing and they’re just ruining their own day, day of other people (third kid and me) by behaving badly. I told them that I genuinely don’t believe that they meant what they said and they need to find some other way to vent off. Without punishment, only warning.
Majority of people do need some moral compass that we abandoned for something new and shiny (which is somewhat weird coming from me as I’m an atheist). People on the West are increasingly raised either by helicopter parents or are fatherless and have obtained access to a technology that guarantee a certain level of pseudoanonimity. Then people start exercising tribal behavior, they lose sense of moral behavior and virtues and lose the fact that they’re talking to real human beings. Smarter ones started using Popper’s paradox to exclude anyone they don’t agree with, to moralize about something they don’t have basic ideas about (e.g. war, racism) and to impose very strict rules that are purely ideological, but vacuous, without any purpose.
I mentioned my kids so I will translate that to some best practices for the online world:
1. If something insults you, it might be because it was meant to be insulting, but there is a certain chance that the intent wasn’t malicious (especially in the long run). Think twice before you act. Cool down, try to reason someone else’s word and give them context. Doing a strawman isn’t helping anyone, even if you feel very smart and protected in your small virtual world.
2. People online are often emotionally incontinent. Instead of agitating them more with threats, bans, sometimes it’s a great idea to kiss them instead. That might enrage them even more, but more often, it will put them to shame and they will stop behaving badly.
3. It’s perfectly fine when people have polar opposite beliefs and values than you have. You probably won’t be best buddies (even though some of my best friends are people on polar opposite ideological side), but keep them close because they will keep you sane. Ideological echo chamber, tribalism and church of righteousness is destroying the fabric of modern society, fuelled by a constant need to be connected (online).
And yes, sometimes it feels that it’s never gonna end. I’m still optimistic and hope that everything shall pass.
I’m not super-qualified to chime in because I’m not an influencer. However, I do have a high-engagement audience on twitter (for example I had a tweet thread with about 200,000 impressions overall this past weekend), and I have developed a host of practices that have, in aggregate, improved my experience. They’re more involved than I want to list here, but it’s led me to believe it’s possible to affect the quality of one’s experience online through carefully crafted policies of conduct. But: it takes more work and discipline than most people are used to exercising the realm of social media.
Thank you for this Jamie. It was well written and a great follow-up to a question asked on yesterday’s live-stream.
I think there is a lot to learn in this for everyone.
Something I personally have been working at is taking a step back and thinking things through a bit until I calm down, regardless of how strongly I think I feel in the moment.
Before either responding to or sharing an opinion of my own I try to write it up first, then read it back from the recipients perspective. This helps let off the steam, think things out, realize the value in what I may say, and often realize it’s better to just not say anything.
Thanks! I will probably delve deeper into your specific question again in the near future. I really like your method of looking at responses through the other person’s eyes (and sometimes choosing to simply not say anything, which I need to do more often).